I suspect you are unlikely to guess what my #1 Relationship Tip is.
A bit of back ground first, so we have some ‘context’.
(Side Tip: The context – also known as the bigger picture – is so important when it comes to communication, and even making high quality decisions. Getting clear of the context first, is a great habit to have)
I was hanging out with a colleague the other day, who is high-vibe, and also a fan of Dr Joe Dispenza’s work (which helps be a high-vibe person), and they mentioned something about me and the books I have written (5 and counting). They also mentioned it would be great if I created a program on how to write and publish a book – so keep an eye out for that, as I LOVE to teach what I have learned along the way.
Now a bit over 10 years ago I set one of those big hairy audacious goals. I committed to writing 5 books in 10 years.
And ticked it off in 2020.
I had also decided to write The Guidebook Series, with a book on each of the following subjects: happiness, health, success, relationships and spirituality.
I actually wrote the first 3 books and then took a detour when I got to a ‘guidebook’ on how to create amazing relationships.
Do you want to know WHY … and what it confirmed for me?
My number 1 relationship tip
The ‘WHY’ I didn’t write that book, is entangled with the key to amazing intimate relationships.
I have been with my partner – Ferry – for about 14.5 years and it has been one of the most easeful and joyful relationships in my life. It has allowed me to stretch and grow and become a better person. Ferry keeps me on track. She ensures I don’t get big-headed. She also supports me, prods me, challenges me, inspires me and a whole lot more.
And the reason I have this, relates to my Number 1 Tip.
Are you ready for it?
Are you on the edge of your seat (or yawning)?
Drum roll please…
Remember; this might not be what you expected (or want to hear).
The way to start, and experience, an amazing relationship is to DO THE WORK ON YOURSELF.
Sorry, if that is not what you want me to hear.
You see, when I mapped out the framework of my planned book on relationships, I came to see that 80% of the book was about what I had covered in my last 3 books, when I talked about how to create happiness, health and success in our lives.
And since I like variety, I decided I didn’t want to rewrite the same stuff all over again.
Let me explain further.
Why working on YOU manifests and creates awesome relationships
I have been coaching for over 14 years and in that time I have worked with lots of clients who want to have amazing intimate relationships. One of the first things I tell them is if they want a HIGH QUALITY relationship, with an AMAZING PERSON, first they need to become HIGH QUALITY and AMAZING person themselves.
You are unlikely to be a vibrational match for a high vibration person if you are living at a low vibration.
You are unlikely to attract a person of integrity and authenticity (or keep them in your life), if you are not of integrity and authenticity.
You are unlikely to have a deep and meaningful relationship, at a deep emotional level, if you are emotionally unwilling to express yourself, or have yet to ‘let go’ of your emotional triggers and trauma’s.
You are unlikely to attract the person who has a zest for life, if you don’t have a zest for life.
You are unlikely to attract a fit and healthy person, if you are not fit and healthy.
So I believe the way to be the right match, and attract / manifest / create a relationship with an amazing person; is to work on becoming that amazing person.
There is another important part to this…
Something outside you, won’t ‘complete’ you
I had the memory come to mind of the movie ‘Jerry McGuire’ where Renee Zellweger’s character, says to Jerry McGuire: ‘You complete me.’
The idea of hoping that someone else is the missing piece that completes you, is not something I think is healthy in relationships. Be that in the forming stage, or the on-going stage.
If you need someone else (outside of yourself) to help you be happy, then you are relying on something you don’t control.
And as the stoics (and a lot of psychologists) would tell you; that is a really bad idea.
We need to generate the happiness, joy, peace, love from within. And then bring that into our relationship. Which requires work on ourselves.
I believe that Ferry adds richness, variety, humour, joy and abundance to my life, but she is not responsible for me experiencing those emotions. It is my work on me, which allows me to be the person in our relationship, who has those elevated emotional states and experiences.
I work on myself daily (usually for a couple of hours) in order to be the person I need to be, to help create the emotional environment and relationship I want to have with Ferry.
And Ferry does the same thing. She does her own work, so she can have the level of relationship she desires.
3 other things where working on self supports in a deep intimate relationship
Here are 3 other things, which are related to working on ourselves, in order to have awesome relationships.
Number 1: Beliefs. I (and you) need to work on our own beliefs around the subject of relationships. It is of no benefit, dragging limiting relationship beliefs from the past into the present moment. That work is on our shoulders.
Number 2: Decision-Making. The better I am at the art and science of decision-making, the better decisions I make when it comes to choosing the partner who is right for me (e.g. we have aligned values and goals, for starters). Or making good decisions every day in the relationship. This is a skill I can (and need to) build on, to benefit from.
Number 3: Consciousness. The more able I am to remain fully conscious and present (because I have done the work to raise my consciousness), the more I am able to bring perspective, a sense of calm, curiosity, non-reactivity, and stability into the challenges that inevitably show up in relationships.
Some parting thoughts
The way to attract / create / experience a high quality relationship, at a depth that nourishes your soul, is to start on your self first.
If you are already in a relationship, and would like it to go deeper, then it again comes back to work on your self.
The way to experience an awesome relationship is to be your own unique version of awesomeness.
Are there other ‘relationship specific’ things to do? Absolutely.
But this is where you start (and this is the part you can CONTROL).
Feel free to reply to this email and let me know your thoughts.
Have a totally awesome day and week.
PS: For a deeper conversations, check out my weekly Podcasts here.