I am sure that I don’t need to convince anyone that physical fitness, increases your ability to perform at your peak.
And by physical fitness I am focusing – for this example – on the cardiovascular system.
The ability to get the maximum amount of oxygen into our cells.
One measure of physical fitness is how quickly an athlete can go from an elevated heart-rate to their resting heart rate.
For example, from 200 beats per minute, to 60 beats per minute (or lower).
Sort of like returning to a state of (physical) homeostasis.
Well, just like with the physical body, we want to do the same thing with our EMOTIONS.
My definition of emotional fitness is the ability to go from an elevated emotional state (principally in a survival emotional state), back to a state of equanimity (calmness) or even better, into an elevated emotional state like joy.
How quick can you get from anger, rage, frustration, or despair, back into a state of mental calmness, and emotional stability?
That is what we are here to talk about today.
The biggest mistake people make
The one thing we DO NOT want to do, when it comes to getting out of an emotional state of anger (or the likes) is to SUPPRESS our feelings of anger.
We might have been taught this growing up.
We might have even had parents who modelled the “stuff it down and hope it goes away” strategy; but I am here to tell you that is a super crappy strategy, which is sure to bite you on the butt at some point in the future.
And sometimes it bites HARD!!!
So, the first thing, not to do, is suppress your emotions.
Probably in the same sort of vein – though maybe not as harmful – are ignoring the feeling, distracting yourself from the feeling, or numbing it out.
Again, these are all pretty substandard strategies.
It (the icky emotion) might suck, but there is a lot of relevance to the saying “you need to feel to heal“.
Which leads me onto my next big no-no.
DO NOT DO THIS:
Never, ever, ever, tell yourself you “should not” be feeling what you are feeling.
That is called denying reality.
And it has a tendency to spiral you to an even deeper level of whatever emotion you are feeling; with the possibility of some other emotional gunk being attached at the same time.
Please promise me, that if you have a habit of doing this, you will kick it out of your habitual playlist ASAFP.
ACCEPT you are feeling what you are feeling (anger, rage, apathy, despair, frustration, embarrassment, etc.).
Strangely enough, this can already start defusing of your emotional state.
What is okay to do (IMHO)
I personally think there are things that are quite okay and healthy to do, when it comes to dealing with reactive emotional states.
I think it is okay to yell, kick things, jump up and down, or the likes, PROVIDING you do not harm yourself, others, or create possible future negative consequences.
I have been working on this stuff – in significant depth – for about 26 years now, and I still lose my sh#t on occasion.
But here is the thing.
I don’t measure how I responded at the front end (providing I caused no harm).
I am much more interested in how QUICKLY I can get back to a state of equanimity.
I am also not trying to figure out how to solve things UNTIL I get back to a state of calm (so I can use the frontal lobes of my brain and my higher mind).
In my opinion, unless it is a life of death situation, I don’t need to immediately figure out the solution to the thing that triggered me.
We generally – in 99% of cases – have time to calm down (and get to that low resting heart rate like the high-performing athlete), before we need to act.
It is actually in our best interests to do so.
The athlete also realises – to perform at their peak – they may need to take a break, to get their heart rate down, before they race off for the next physical activity.
In Summary (and the key takeaways)
Suppressing, avoiding, ignoring, numbing, or distracting, your reactive emotions is a poor strategy.
You need to actually feel the emotion you are experiencing, even if you don’t like it.
DO NOT (EVER) tell yourself “I should not be feeling what I am feeling“, as this is denying REALITY, and will likely cause a downwards emotional spiral.
Express verbally or physically the emotion working through you, providing you cause no harm to yourself, others, or create future unhelpful consequences (i.e. this is probably best expressed in private).
Until you reach a state of enlightenment, accept that like the rest of us, you will get ticked off on occasions, and it is not a sign you are defective.
Remember the aim is not to ever feel ticked off, it is to be able to QUICKLY (or as quickly as possible) return to equanimity.
Unless it is a life-or-death situation, finding the solution to your “problem” can wait (and is best waited for) until you calm down.
(And to repeat) Emotional Fitness is not about never getting pissed off, it is about how quickly you get back to a state of calm, after losing your sh#t!
My Parting Words
A conversation about this topic came up recently in a client coaching session.
This person was caught in the downward spiral of telling themselves that “they should not be feeling angry and frustrated every time XYZ happens“.
Step 1 is to accept the “reality”.
The reality is that they do.
Then the next step is to work out if it is an internal thing (mental or unconscious), or an external behavioural habit, or most likely a combination of both.
So the result is a combination of some inner work (especially around beliefs) and some outer work by breaking some unhelpful habits plus introducing some effective strategies.
Perhaps there is a stage we get to where nothing bothers us, but I suspect that is either enlightenment or when we take our last breath.
If you feel angry, feel it.
Let it pass through you.
Yell if you have to, or go for a run, or punch a punching bag, or pretty much anything that helps you let off emotional steam without hurting others (or yourself).
And just in case I have not made this point clear yet.
DO NOT tell yourself you should not be feeling what you are feeling.
If that is all you take away from me today, then I reckon you have had a pretty big WIN.
WOOHOO!!
Have a fantabulous day, and a week of feeling what you feeling and observing from a place of conscious curiosity.
Take care.
Carl
Quotable QUOTE:
“DO NOT (EVER) tell yourself “I should not be feeling what I am feeling”, as this is denying REALITY, and will likely cause a downwards emotional spiral.” Carl Massy
(Author of 18 Ways We Make Life WAY Harder Than It Needs To Be)
PS: Have you read or listened to this book yet? 18 Ways We Make Life WAY Harder Than It Needs To Be
