I have written about this important subject before (April 2023), but since it comes up SO often with my clients, I figured it is worth repeating.
And as you know, “repetition is the mother of learning“.
Now there are 3 ESSENTIAL parts to maintaining great boundaries, and the bad news is that unlike the song from Meatloaf, called “Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad“; in this case, 2 out of 3 is still a disaster.
You cannot have good boundaries if you miss just one of the three components.
So let’s first look at what the three Boundary Essentials are, and then we will look at where a lot of people most often mess up.
3 Boundary Essentials
In my experience, people might be good at one, or two of the Boundary Essentials, but if they do not do all (3) of them, their boundaries won’t work, and they will be surely trampled.
All of us know what it feels like to have our boundaries crossed, abused, ignored, and disrespected.
It feels like crap.
It is stressful.
And is a HUGE waste of energy as you try and get the boundary thing patched up and back in place.
So, it is worth knowing this and then DOING this if we want our lives to be less hard.
The “3 Boundary Essentials” in the order of their application are:
1) Establish VERY CLEARLY what specific boundaries you want in all different elements of your life (e.g. relationships, friendships, professional, etc.).
2) COMMUNICATE – to everyone you need to – exactly what your boundaries are (ensuring the person/s clearly understands) and have them also agree with the boundary type and conditions.
3) PROTECT and ‘enforce’ your boundaries, if they are breached.
And as I have made clear, you will not have effective boundaries in your life (and therefore have the stress associated with weak boundaries) if you don’t do ALL THREE.
This is the secret to healthy boundaries.
1. Know them.
2. Communicate them.
3. Enforce them.
Common pitfalls and solutions
1) Unclear Boundaries
This is pretty common. A LOT of people have never taken the time to know what boundaries would work best for them (and some might not even think they are allowed or entitled to establish their own boundaries).
A simple personal example of a clear boundary is: I do not want to be disturbed while I am writing my Newsletter, so I can stay in my creative bubble.
A clear activity, for a specific time (from the start to the finish of my writing), plus I could even get clear on what constitutes being ‘disturbed’.
2) Clear communication
It is useless having the most clear boundary of any boundary that has ever been established in the history of the world, if it is still inside your head, and no-one else knows about it. It is useless, unless it is clearly communicated to the relevant parties.
Following on from my example, that means I need to clearly communicate with Ferry (my partner), and also decide if our dog (Gundi), fits into the disturbance category. 😉
I tell Ferry that from this time, to this time, I will be in my room, with the door closed, and I do not want to be disturbed unless there is an ’emergency’, which I will also clarify what constitutes an emergency. I make sure she is 100% clear on what my boundary is, and is also in agreement with it.
The part about agreement of your boundaries is also a big part of the clear communication.
They need to understand and agree that the boundary is appropriate.
If they won’t agree to the boundary, then it comes down to that ‘negotiation’ thing, until you both agree on the boundary.
Note: Some people may not agree with your boundary and why part 3 can be so important.
3) Enforcing your boundaries
This might be where most people struggle.
Being ready, willing and able to enforce a breached boundary, takes COURAGE.
Doing so might make you out to be the bad person, the meany, the uptight one, the cranky old bugger (in my case), the bitch, the a-hole, and a whole bunch of other names people might choose to call us, if they don’t like being called out and held accountable.
Too many people just give in, or cave at this point.
They think “I just couldn’t be bothered” trying to make them stop breaching my clearly defined and communicated boundary.
But this is the part where we need to dig deep and step into our personal power, so we can give a very clear “NO“.
This is a self-esteem building moment.
An ‘owning your power‘ type of moment.
Enforcing your boundaries is empowering, and in the long-run, it is energy conserving.
It is part of creating a more easeful (and non-resentful) life.
IMHO, it is totally worth the effort.
In Summary
2 out of 3 is not enough. You need to apply all three when it comes to effective boundaries.
1) Clearly define your boundaries in different areas of your life.
2) Clearly communicate those boundaries to the relevant people, and get their agreement where possible.
3) Protect and enforce your boundaries (even if you have to do it multiple times for it to sink in).
My Parting Words
Having poor or no boundaries is pretty stressful.
It is a huge energy drainer.
So, I think it is an ESEENTIAL strategy to learn and apply.
And it is not that hard, once you follow the bouncing ball.
Which of the three are you least strong at applying?
You now know your homework.
Go back to a boundary which is not working for you, and get clear about whether it is 1, 2, or 3 which is compromised.
Then upgrade that Part and see what difference it makes.
Maybe you already know which part let’s you down most of the time.
Which again means you know what your homework is (do this part much better than you have in the past).
Make sense?
I know you’ve got this.
Time to go forth and conquer your boundary Achilles heel.
Have a super day of owning your space, and a week where you do a much better job of Part 1, 2, or 3.
Take care.
Carl
Quotable QUOTE:
“The secret to Healthy Boundaries is applying ALL three steps: 1) Get CLEAR of your Boundaries, 2) Clearly COMMUNICATE them, and 3) Be willing to ENFORCE them.” Carl Massy
(Author of 18 Ways We Make Life WAY Harder Than It Needs To Be)
PS: Have you read or listened to this book yet? 18 Ways We Make Life WAY Harder Than It Needs To Be
