I am always on the lookout for relevant topics.
Recently I was working with a client and a particular “topic” came up, and then 2 days later, the very same topic came up from a very different source.
I figure if 2 people in a short time are having an issue with “people pleasing“, there are bound to be a lot more people in the same situation.
And the focus will be on making this (as always) super practical.
In my mind, there is a HUGE difference between doing things because your big beautiful heart wants to, and doing things out of FEAR because of some unknown, subconscious program playing in the back of your mind.
Essentially running a script like: “If you DO NOT people please then bad things will happen, or you won’t feel good about yourself“.
It is like the HEART-initiated pleasing others elevates you, while the HEAD-initiated (due to untrue stories) takes you down.
Let’s explore this a little deeper.
Possible root causes
One thing when overcoming a bad habit (in this case people pleasing), is to try and understand the habit as fully and deeply as possible, as it specifically relates to you.
Just as fear can subside when we have new relevant information, when we truly understand our bad habits from all angles, they are much harder to unconsciously play out.
Therefore, possible Root Causes can include:
1. A learned behaviour from a parent who also practices “people pleasing”.
2. A learned behaviour as a subconscious protective mechanism (if I please others I get rewarded with love, and if I don’t I get punished or rejected).
3. A learned Limiting Belief, such as, “I will not be liked or loved if I do not please others”.
4. A fear or avoidance of conflict, where you please people, in order to avoid “upsetting” them and creating conflict.
5. Some self-worth issues, that have you putting other people’s needs and desires over your own.
There are lots of different beliefs and stories that can lead to the habit or behaviour of what we call people pleasing.
If we look at the very base emotional drivers of PAIN and PLEASURE, we can begin to look at what pain is associated with NOT pleasing others, and what pleasure is associated with pleasing others.
The aim is to try and understand your own unique story.
The other important thing to fully understand, is that “people pleasing” is a learned behaviour (habit) and is not who you are.
So, the first thing to do is to stop saying “I am a people pleaser“, and start saying “There are some times I overdo it, when it comes to pleasing others”.
This defines what you DO – when you are not paying attention – as opposed to thinking it is WHO YOU ARE.
A common mistake
A lot of the time, people make the mistake of “labelling” some behaviour with a generic term like “people pleasing”, which often has a negative association (which triggers a response subconsciously), and does not tell the full picture as it applies to you.
My client the other day identified, after I peppered him with questions, that it was only in a “work” context that he overdid people pleasing.
So, then we talked about how it is actually a great business strategy to EXCEED people’s expectations, but there is a point where there are diminishing returns, if you OVERDO the exceeding expectations (what we called “grossly exceeding expectations”).
Because we identified that there are actual benefits and appropriate times for pleasing people, it causes us to move from the “general” (people pleasing is all bad) to a deeper dive into EXACTLY where and how to APPROPRIATELY use it.
This helps to identify where you do it too much.
As we drilled deeper, we also realised that in a person-to-person interaction with a client, he was much less likely to go into people pleasing mode, such as over-delivering and over-promising.
It was mainly on phone calls to clients, where he is more likely to say “yes” to something he is not sure he can deliver, which is more a reactive response (lower mind), as opposed to a calculated response (higher mind).
This led us to an IF-THEN Strategy (in this case).
“IF I get a call from a client and they are asking for additional services, THEN I tell them I will consider it and then get back to them in 24hrs.”
The more SPECIFIC you are in understanding how, when, why, where and to whom your pleasing other people applies, the better you are able to come up with a way to tone down the behaviour, and make better choices.
Self-awareness of our subconscious drives and patterns is a very powerful catalyst for TRANSFORMATION.
Let’s get even more PRACTICAL
We have already looked at some PRACTICAL ways to manage this learned behaviour.
The 1st Practical Tip is to get to know it specifically, deeply and intimately as it applies to you (removing the bogeyman effect).
Ask questions like:
– When am I most likely to do it?
– Is it more common with certain people, places or circumstances?
– What might be the PAIN I am avoiding by doing it?
– What might be the PLEASURE I am seeking from doing it?
– Who may have taught me this behaviour and how has it worked out for them?
– What do I believe will happen if people don’t like me?
– What do I believe will happen if I say “no” to someone?
Keep digging until it almost becomes boring for you.
The 2nd Practical Tip is to REFRAME people pleasing as a “habit you do some times”, as opposed to an identity of who you are.
The 3rd Practical Tip is to acknowledge and accept that pleasing others is a good thing in most circumstances, if the desire comes from your HEART, as opposed to from a need to avoid an imagined PAIN or move towards an imagined PLEASURE.
The 4th Practical Tip is to try and narrow it down to one or a few STORIES or BELIEFS you tell yourself that make you feel compelled to overly please others. Choose which of them you feel is THE MOST impactful. Then go to my FREE Online Workshop (Overcome Self Imposed Limitations) and use the NLP Belief Switch Technique, called The Rocking Chair Technique, to replace your limiting belief for an EMPOWERED Belief.
The 5th Practical Tip, is to notice if and when you do the people pleasing habit, and call it out, so it loses its unconscious control over you. Try saying (in a playful tone): “Holey guacamole, I am running the old people pleasing program again”. This changes the energy of the experience, allows you to access your higher mind (frontal cortex), and reinforces the idea this is a HABIT and not who you are.
The 6th Practical Tip is that if you identify there is a “self-worth” limitation at play, it might be in your best interests to work with a someone like me, over a longer period of time, to understand what might be limiting you, and how to deeply and practically increase your sense of self-worth.
The Final Practical Tip is that the aim of our work on ourselves is to become an eternal student of wisdom, evolution and self-awareness, so we CHOOSE in all circumstances, at all times, with all people, what is the most appropriate behaviour is to make in each unique situation, which is best for you, best for others, and best for the greater good. People pleasing is not all bad. It is pleasing other people to the detriment of your physical health and psychological self-worth that is bad. Learn when and how to use the right tool.
In Summary
It is hard to find solutions if we are stuck in the “general” and not drilling down into the “SPECIFIC” (know thyself).
Understand your (much) deeper WHY, which is often a STORY (Belief) that is not true, no longer relevant, or no longer useful.
Use a simple strategy like an IF-THEN Strategy to prime your brain in advance, or a deeper strategy like an NLP Belief Switch Technique.
Unfortunately, self-worth issues are often entangled in people pleasing behaviours, but they can be overcome with the right support and tools.
My Parting Words
Do you do the people pleasing thing a little, a lot, or not at all (good for you ;-))?
Perhaps most of us, or maybe even all of us, do it at some point in our daily lives.
The aim is to identify if pleasing others is being initiated by an open HEART, or more subconscious triggers like the avoidance of PAIN, and the desire for PLEASURE.
This habit, is like any other habit, and the better we understand it, the more appropriate and direct way we can address and overcome it.
I did not make this point earlier, but remember that “I AM” are two powerful words when put together.
Be conscious not to tell a self-identifying story such as: “I AM a people pleaser”
Tone it down by saying, “Some times I have a habit of overdoing it, when trying to please others“.
This has a different energy, plus it reminds us it is a “habit”.
And just as we can learn new habits, we can unlearn old habits too.
Also, use the tool of CURIOSITY.
Over my lifetime, practicing curiosity has dissolved numerous “bogeymen”, when I saw them for what they truly are.
Most often they are a “story” that is actually not True.
So, my final parting words for you are…
Be curious.
Have a bodacious and experience-rich day and a week of playfully and curiously figuring out why you do what you do.
Take care.
Carl
Quotable QUOTE:
“It is very hard to find effective solutions if we are stuck in the “general” picture and not drilling down to identify the “SPECIFIC” picture.” Carl Massy
(Author of 18 Ways We Make Life WAY Harder Than It Needs To Be)
PS: Have you read or listened to this book yet? 18 Ways We Make Life WAY Harder Than It Needs To Be
