Today is a bit of a “Case Study”.
It’s based on a client who stayed in our Tiny House, who we got to know quite well.
Plus, due to my partner – Ferry – not being big on small talk and loving to get right into the juicy stuff…like “How are you actually doing with your relationships?”.
And for me, it was a chance to look at patterns (which is my jam).
We were asking questions of this person – who we will now refer to as “M” – about how their dating was going in Bali?
And I was most interested – as I am – to the psychology at play when it comes to interacting with others, and dating in general.
What was working and what was not?
And if something was not working; why not?
Keeping in mind there is so much subconscious stuff (which drives behaviour) than can trip us up – unknowingly – when it comes to interpersonal interactions.
What is grossly OBVIOUS to an outside observer, can be completely hidden to the individual experiencing it.
So, let me share with you how someone’s “texting speed” almost caused things to implode. (Which you might also be able to relate to).
Texting, The Subconscious, And Relationship “Challenges”
There is Reality, and then there is “junk in our subconscious trunk”
When we caught up with M, she was telling us about her most recent date.
(For context, her last few dates and minor flings were pretty ordinary, and with guys who were not so great on the truth telling thing, or showing up authentically)
M was very excited as she told us about how they caught up and ended up spending half a day together.
The conversation was great.
He was very open and engaging about his life and past.
He was interested in knowing more about M.
All in all, they spent some really decent quality time together.
And M had a very good feel about the energy and integrity of the guy.
She left with a very positive feeling about the dude.
But then…
Here is where the “subconscious” thing (unfortunately) shows up.
Bugger!
Over the next couple of days, she started forming another “story” about the dude.
Based on…
How quickly he responded to her Text Messages!
So, here is someone, deciding if they want to see someone again, not based on 6-hours of human-to-human, heart-to-heart connection, which had a great energetic feel to it.
But, based on their Texting Speed!!!
Obviously, from an external perspective this seemed bonkers.
So, I told M, in no uncertain terms, that she was a totally Crazy Woman.
I might have also said “Are you stupid?”.
Now before you start thinking I am a nasty old white man, the NLP technique I used is actually known as a “Pattern Interrupt”.
It interrupts their “story”, causes them to pause, breathe, and potentially gain more perspective.
(You also need to have rapport before you call someone stupid ;-)).
When M became conscious of the idea that she was (actually) thinking like a crazy person, the lights came back on, and she backed off on her disproportionate fixation on this dude’s text messaging speed.
She regained consciousness (aka: gained conscious awareness), over the reactive, highly protective, and 2-dimensional Subconscious Mind.
Followed by an awareness that she would genuinely love to see the guy again.
Here is what we learn can from this…
Past experiences shape the subconscious mind
When we dug deeper into the origins of the “texting issue”, there was more revealed.
The texting thing represented an OLD pattern from their past.
You see they had a father who would make promises.
And not fulfill them.
Say things that were not actually true.
Communicate in a way that it became hard to trust.
Also, “disappear” without letting them know what was happening.
That absent father thing.
(The absent father thing can also be where they are physically there, but emotionally absent).
Over time a general series of “Beliefs” can start to form.
“It is hard to trust men”.
“I am not sure I can trust what people say”.
“If I don’t hear from them (quickly) does it mean that are not coming back, or don’t love me?”.
And for me, with the whole Texting thing, it is further complicated by being such a LOW-QUALITY form of communication, as it doesn’t translate tone, pitch, resonance, inflexions, facial expressions, energy level, body language, etc..
Which means…
Limiting Beliefs (stories that are not true) + Poor Communication Medium = MAX Confusion.
And this also brings us back to another point I have been talking about a lot of late.
The POWER OF THE HEART and its electromagnetic field.
We need to give more weight to what experience we have person-to-person, when we have all of our senses tuned in; rather than the little, imprecise things like the language used in a text message (which is often “predicatively” WRONG!).
I am sure “bad texting” causes millions of relationship issues every single day around the world.
A Key Message
Again, I have talked about this a lot over the last bunch of weeks.
When our nervous system is triggered, by a subconscious story or protective mechanism, we become DUMBER.
I don’t know how I can sugar-coat that. 🙂
We are left with 3 choices (as they relate to relationships):
1) Run away.
2) Start a fight, argument or other form of aggression.
3) Try to pretend nothing happened and it (the danger) will hopefully go away on its own course.
If you find yourself in a relationship challenge, and you are considering one of the above choices (or a close variant of it), KNOW WITH 100% CERTAINTY you are operating from a lower subconscious mind and driven by “junk in the trunk”.
You want to WAKE UP the conscious mind.
And view the situation from a higher mind perspective.
Where the choice of solutions is more appropriate and relevant, with less long-term fallout.
In Summary
The Subconscious Mind – based on past experiences – can be over protective in a non-intelligent way.
Trust the wisdom of your heart, and the measure of your heart (while in silence), and real people-to-people interaction, over other poorer communication mechanisms.
KNOW that communicating via “texting” or short messaging is a VERY LOW-QUALITY form of communication, especially if you don’t know the other persons personal history, values, beliefs and character well (e.g. dating a new person from a different culture).
If you find yourself deciding on a response which is essentially a form of fighting, fleeing or freezing; then you are using the wrong level of mind for the job.
My Parting Words
Thanks M.
She highlighted a great example of the illogical lower mind.
Yes, it is there to protect.
And yes, it does a great job at times.
But…
Sometimes it can make us seem like a crazy person.
The answer is to continue to work on increasing our self-awareness (i.e. know thyself).
To have tools to snap us out of lower mind (e.g. Tapping, breathwork and meditation).
And to recognize when our choice is just another form of fighting, fleeing or freezing.
Plus, just know from the get-go that trusting a Text Message or Short Message to be the “full story” is a bit on the delusional side.
You can be 100% wrong when interpreting a short message.
So, if unsure, verify with a call, so at least you can gage from the voice tone, pitch and pace.
It is hard to make great decisions and choices when we are working off the wrong information.
If you want to get even better at the Decision-Making stuff grad a copy of my book Decision-Making Mastery (and if you are tight on cash, send me a message and I will send you a link to download the Audiobook).
Have a wonderful day and week getting to know yourself even better.
Take care.
Carl
Quotable QUOTE:
“If you find yourself deciding on a response which is essentially a form of fighting, fleeing or freezing; then you are using the wrong level of mind for the job.“Carl Massy
(Author of 18 Ways We Make Life WAY Harder Than It Needs To Be)
PS: Have you read or listened to this book yet? 18 Ways We Make Life WAY Harder Than It Needs To Be
