I have never been a fan of the “one-size-fits-all” model.
I find it very lazy.
One type of eating for all humans?
One type of schooling for all children?
One type of type of parenting for all kids?
One type of medical intervention for all people?
That is a big fat “NO!!!” to all of these.
We are all (as they would say in Bali) – “Same, same; but different“.
One size does not fit all.
Especially when we look beyond the complexity of our physical, mental, psychological and spiritual differences to the world around us.
It is unique.
And is often different, day-to-day.
Which means we need to show up differently, for different situations, at different times, on different days.
A thing I first heard called “Behavioural Flexibility“.
A thing which resonates deeply with me.
You see in my work – Coaching for the last 18-years – I get to see a LOT of people who are operating from EXTREMES.
In fact, I find, with all the beliefs work I do with my clients, that often their biggest pain point is as a result of a Limiting Belief which is EXTREME, and therefore causes “extreme” behaviour.
Often, as a subconscious protective mechanism, from a childhood experience, where the protective measure – subconsciously adopted – was designed to move that person as far as possible, from a perceived threat.
Even something like “criticism” can cause a child to – in order to feel accepted and loved – go to the EXTREME of Perfectionism.
I worked with a client recently who had an experience of driving a tractor SLOWLY when she was a child working on the family farm, and associated SLOW = BORING = PAINFUL / UNCOMFORTABLE, so they formed a protective mechanism (against boredom) by having and subconsciously choosing, to have more speed, and excitement and action in their life.
Which unchecked, can lead to unconscious choices to have more and do more (while avoiding anything boring), in otder to keep things exciting.
They also avoided doing things “boring”, which meant the mundane things like being organised, having a tidy house, doing the administration and logistics of running their life, created a disorganized mess, and ultimately a bunch of stress.
Especially when life dealt them a “curve ball”.
Trying to deal with a “curve ball”, when your life is a bit hectic and messy already, can often take us over the edge.
Over the years I have worked with 100’s of cases where someone’s beliefs have caused them to participate or exact extreme behaviour.
They have not known why.
They also have not known what to do about it.
Here is what I have learned.
The “IDEAL”
Often, the first step is to become aware of an area where you might be a bit extreme.
This extremity works some times, but not all the times, because most situations are different (and do not benefit from a one-size-fits-all approach).
In my experience, an Extreme Behaviour is most often the result of an Extreme Belief (which is no longer useful or relevant).
The (extreme) Belief is generally the result of a subconscious protective mechanism as a child (due to limited knowledge and discernment).
So, if you can identify the childhood experience, the belief formed and the extreme behaviour, you are well on your way to changing things.
You can also use the NLP Belief Switch Technique in my free workshop (Overcome Self Imposed Limitations) to help.
The other essential thing for creating powerful Behavioural Flexibility is to work on raising your level of consciousness, through breathwork and mindfulness practices.
Consciousness is actually a key aspect of the ability to be behaviourally flexible.
We need to be able to use our upper mind (pre-frontal cortex) to determine where on the spectrum you need to operate.
The IDEAL is to operate most of the time (default) somewhere near the middle of the spectrum.
Then for some situations you might need a certain level of one extreme.
While for another situation you need the exact (180 degree) opposite.
Then you return back to the default.
Neither extremely one way or the other.
Like the Buddhists say: “the middle way”.
In the diagram below you can see the two extremes I used as an example are: “Extreme Lethargy” & “Extreme Intensity”.
There are times we need deep rest, maybe to recover physically or psychologically, so Extreme Lethargy is perfect for a period of time.
Then at a future time we might need Extreme Intensity as we need to solve something ASAFP, due to high potential negative consequences if we do not take care of it immediately.
Finally, after either extreme (which are short and intentional), we return to our default of “The Middle Way”.
We flow with life.
We oscillate behaviourally depending on the need and the circumstances.
We are not fixed.
We are the willow reed in the wind.
We are behaviourally flexible with life’s challenges and a LOT less stressed.
Make sense?
So, the question you need to ask yourself is whether there are any areas of your life where you are behaving in an extreme way?
Get clear what that behaviour is costing you.
Then unearth the root cause or event that led to that behaviour.
Discover your Limiting Belief (or story), which keeps you locked in extreme behaviour.
Change that Limiting Belief (you can use the technique in my workshop).
Better understand the spectrum you are playing on (with either extreme).
Continue to raise your consciousness.
Then CHOOSE the right response, for the right time, for the right desired outcome.
In Summary
Behavioural Flexibility is about choosing the right behaviour for the right task, and not having one-size-fits-all approach to life.
Most extreme behaviours are the result of a (extreme) Limiting Belief, and an unconscious over-protective mechanism generated at the lower mind and enacted by the nervous system.
The IDEAL is to sit near the middle (The Middle Way), and oscillate on a spectrum, between extremes, based on the best fit for a unique situation.
Consciousness, and conscious awareness allows us to choose the best fit, so working on increasing our level of consciousness is essential to high levels of Behavioural Flexibility.
My Parting Words
You only want to stay at any extreme for short periods of time.
Like surging for a specific task, but then coming back to a default of “restful readiness”.
I love the idea of “oscillating” on a spectrum due to a clearly identified need and in alignment with REALITY.
So often (maybe 99%) of the time, an extreme is precipitated by a Limiting Belief and a pver-protective subconscious mechanism.
Being extreme at any end of the spectrum is tiring, inefficient, and not intelligent.
Wisdom is about ramping up (or ramping down) when you need to, based on the unique specifics of a situation.
I REALLY dislike the one-size-fits-all mentality.
For me it reeks of laziness and lack of imagination.
We want to be smarter than that.
It also requires that we “know thyself” pretty well too.
I love the idea of being Behaviourally Flexible too.
It really fits with the idea of drawing on POWER, and not having to use brute FORCE to get the best results.
Plus it aligns with the idea of constantly learning and evolving.
That’s a worthy target, wouldn’t you say?
So, for now, get honest and check out if you spend too much time – mostly unconsciously – performing an Extreme behaviour, and look to do something about it.
The extra energy it frees up can be used on creating more greatness in your life.
All the best with that.
Have a wonderful day, and a week spending most of your time (consciously) hanging out around the middle.
Quotable QUOTE:
“Behavioural Flexibility is about choosing the right behaviour for the right task, and not having one-size-fits-all approach to life.“Carl Massy
(Author of 18 Ways We Make Life WAY Harder Than It Needs To Be)
PS: Have you read or listened to this book yet? 18 Ways We Make Life WAY Harder Than It Needs To Be
