Sometimes there are things you do where you always get a consistent output or result.
Unlike in an intimate relationship (as you may or may not know ;-)).
Sometimes, in a relationship 1 + 2 = 26.34278 (definitely not the expected 3).
For instance, you do A, which you had done in the past.
Along with with B, which you have also done in the past.
Therefore you expect to get the result “C”.
A + B = C ????
However, when it comes to people, and especially intimate relationships, who knows?
However, that is very unlike today’s “Tip”.
Which will always get the same sort of result.
Though the results might be bigger or smaller (of the same kind), depending on a few factors.
So, enough of me gibbering around the subject.
What are we talking about today?
The mighty “Gap”
I am pretty sure we all do this.
There are two primary variables which create the gap we will talk about here.
The first being “Expectations“.
The other (which you probably guessed) is “Reality“.
And again, I imagine you also figured out what the “GAP” represents.
It essentially represents the size of the space between what you EXPECT to happen, based on your choices and actions, and what ACTUALLY happens.
The REALITY.
The bigger the gap between your expectations and the reality, the greater the emotional pain, stress or discomfort you will experience.
Now there are a few ways to narrow the Gap, which is really the point of today’s conversation.
Let’s check out our options.
Gap narrowing Strategy #1
The thing which seems the most easy thing to do is to “lower our expectations“.
But as you know, this is MUCH easier said than done.
The reasons are because our expectations are closely aligned with out “world view”.
What we believe.
What we value.
Past experiences (some of them traumatic).
Which means we can often intellectually decide to lower our expectations, but then we can be hijacked by a whole bunch of UNCONSCIOUS stuff that is out of alignment with our intellectualising.
This means if we really want to lower our expectations, we most likely (93% of the time), need to do the inner work.
If I was to suggest the best practice for this, it would definitely be looking deeply into our BELIEFS.
(You can start that process here free with Overcome Self-Imposed Limitations).
It is our beliefs and stories which shape our “expectations”, not necessarily the reality of the here and now.
But there is another way to narrow the Gap, which I have found rather useful.
Gap narrowing Strategy #2
I got to put this Strategy into practice when I went on my recent adventure to Malaysia and Java (Indonesia).
Going on holidays to a place not your normal ‘known and familiar‘ is a perfect place for the GAP to show up.
And to show up in a BIG way.
Can you relate to that at all?
Holiday expectations often are nothing like the reality of the trip, and you may end up feeling ripped-off, pissed-off or short-changed as a result.
Here is the Strategy I used for my recent holiday.
It is essentially “reframing” the experience.
I reframed my holiday by calling it “an Experiment“.
This actually changed the energy of my experience.
I meant I held on less tight to expectations.
I kept an open-mind.
I could more easily roll with stuff not working…because after all, it is just an experiment.
In any experiment (done properly) there is always a healthy dose of CURIOSITY.
There is also less ATTACHMENT to the Outcome.
Some outcomes are “good” and some are “bad” and some are “neutral” and some are “painful” and some are “amusing” and some are “delightful“.
The other thing with an Experiment, and the curiosity we bring to it, is we are doing the experiment in order to LEARN (new knowledge) and therefore GROW in wisdom.
That means in life, we always have the potential to Learn and Grow, regardless of the flavour of the experience.
So, even though during my travels there was a bunch of stuff I didn’t particularly like or enjoy, I felt pretty chipper in general as my experiences – after all – were part of an experiment and I learned a lot about myself, and what I like and don’t like; in order to have an even better experience next time.
I learned and I grew.
Now here is the bigger takeaway.
The Biggest Takeaway
I actually do this with life in general.
I sort of see Life as an experiment.
Where I have a number of Goals and Dreams I want to achieve over my lifetime, but acknowledging I won’t know EXACTLY what the end results will look like, or feel like, once I achieved them.
Because I have reframed life as a bit of an experiment, I am less attached to things going poorly.
I also spend a lot of my life in the vibrational and emotional frequency of CURIOSITY.
So I am less bothered when things don’t go my way.
The “Gap” becomes something else to be CURIOUS about, as opposed to something to fight or rant about.
As a result I also spend a lot of time saying things like…”That’s interesting”.
I could also say, don’t JUDGE the Gap; get CURIOUS about why the Gap is there, and why it is the width it is.
And finally, I think when you make life an experiment, you are more likely to be open to trying different things (just like you would in an experiment).
In Summary
The bigger the Gap between your EXPECTATIONS and the REALITY the more mental and emotional discomfort you will feel.
Lowering Expectations is a good strategy, but it often requires changing Beliefs at a subconscious level, which is doable but not so easy.
Another Strategy is to reframe Life, and the experiences you choose to do in it, as an EXPERIMENT.
When life is an Experiment there is less ATTACHMENT to a specific expectation, and a turning up of the dial of CURIOSITY.
IMHO Curiosity feels much lighter and more playful than Judgement.
My Parting Words
I took a slightly different angle today.
I figured my readers already know about the Gap between Expectations and Reality.
You and I also realize that “knowing” is not necessarily “doing“.
But from my professional experience, I also know trying to change Expectations (which is easier than trying to change Reality) is easy at an intellectual level, but not at a mental and emotional level.
Changing expectations often requires changing our ‘World View’.
This requires deeper inner work in my experience.
Therefore today I suggested an alternative.
A reframe.
A “what if” exercise.
What if, I imagined my life was a great big Experiment.
Last week I talked about “the Purpose of our Life“.
We can still have a Purpose.
We can still Dream Big as my friend Penn would say (and who’s book Dream Big is coming out soon).
We can still have Goals.
However, our curiosity is activated, when we call the journey – to our dreams, goals and purpose – an “Experiment“.
We grip less tightly.
We stop being so needy.
We may even drop into childlike wonder.
So, my request for you is to experiment with the experiment of whether Life feels a little less tight, when you reframe your life and even your day-to-day as a bit of an experiment (given you are not the creator of the cosmos or font of all knowledge).
I hope that you give this reframe a crack.
Have an absolutely fantastic day, and a week of curiosity and experimentation to see what it actually feels like.
Quotable QUOTE:
“Lowering Expectations is a good strategy, but it often requires changing Beliefs at a subconscious level, which is doable, but not so easy.” Carl Massy
(Author of 18 Ways We Make Life WAY Harder Than It Needs To Be)
PS: Have you read or listened to this book yet? 18 Ways We Make Life WAY Harder Than It Needs To Be
