56 years on planet Earth. 18+ years Coaching. 1000’s of conversations. 500+ personal development and growth books. 14 years as an Officer in the army. 5 years as a senior security consultant to mega events. Business co-owner of a successful yoga centre in Bali for 4-years. Published 6 books. Insatiable curiosity and thirst for greater knowledge, truth, wisdom and my own evolution. And a love to share. So, here is what I think are pretty useful and practical insights.
1. We only know what we know and don’t know what we don’t know.
Keep an open mind. What Carol Dweck (Mindset) would call a “Growth” mindset. Acknowledge you don’t know all there is to know – neither does any human being. Be curious. Be flexible with your beliefs. Read deeply and broadly. Never stop learning, and you will never stop growing. You will also be more prepared for an ever-changing world.
2. Our ability to DISCERN is a superpower, but it needs cultivation.
The ability to Discern is aligned with a developed, and well-exercised pre-frontal cortex of the brain. What yogis would call a ‘sharpened Buddhi’. A level of mind that bridges the gap between higher mind and pure consciousness. It is also a great BS-detector (a lot of things we are told, even by ‘experts’ are just not true, are best-guesses, and don’t weigh up to deep scrutiny). The amount of often-cited ‘scientific’ research studies that cannot be replicated, is over 50%! So, practice daily mindful exercises like meditation or deep undisturbed contemplation to keep this part of the brain strong and finely attuned.
3. Our thoughts, beliefs and stories are not FACTS, but we often think they are, and act (or don’t act) accordingly.
Just because we thought something, does not make it true, or even that useful. Most of our thoughts are unrealised fears, half-truths, out-of-date subconscious programs, incorrect information, and limiting or disempowering beliefs. Do the work to understand the inner landscape and loop-recording messages playing in your mind, and then do the housekeeping to get rid of the stuff that is no longer useful. Check out Overcoming Self-Imposed Limitations free online workshop to start the journey.
4. Without consciousness (conscious awareness), even the most celebrated Virtues can become liabilities. E.g. Courage without consciousness can become recklessness.
Knowledge + Experience does not equal Wisdom. It equals “potential” Wisdom. It only becomes WISDOM IN ACTION when it is paired with CONSCIOUSNESS. Conscious and a well-developed sense of conscious awareness, drawing on all the knowledge and experience we have, allows us to make the best choice, in the eternal present now, to best deal with the specific and unique situation in front of us. This is Wisdom in Action.
5. One of the greatest causes of pain can be when we expect people to be, or act, differently than who they are, or what they have consistently demonstrated as their ‘personality’.
When we expect someone to be, do or act differently than how they consistently be, act or do things, we are being sort of DELUSIONAL. Don’t expect people to do things how you would do them. Don’t expect them to think like you do or act like you would. Spend your time observing them to understand how they actually show up (their personality), and then decide wisely how best to interact with them, or task them. Based on who they are, not on who you would like them to be. Remember, that is borderline delusional. And you don’t want to be that, do you?
6. Use it, or lose it. If you don’t use your muscles, they atrophy. If you don’t use your brain (and rely too much on AI or Google), your brain will atrophy.
Just as you would not expect your muscles to stay strong if you never use them, or your cardiovascular system to be highly functional if you are not physically active; don’t expect your brain to be robust, resilient, highly-capable and creative, if you don’t actively and consciously use it. Take the time to think hard, before you reach for your “smartphone”. The brain is like all the other muscles in your body. It too responds to an intentional and well-designed workout that incorporates resistance, effort and the expenditure of energy.
7. Confidence is a truly over-rated virtue and character trait. Time-and-time again, it is trumped by COURAGE, especially when the going gets (really) tough.
When the going gets tough – as it surely does at times – confidence gets going too. It has been my experience Coaching over 18 years, that developing our “confidence” is not the best use of our time. Because confidence is of limited benefit when it comes to dealing with the really tough shit in life. On the other hand, COURAGE is an all-terrain, all-weather, all-seasons, and all-obstacles fuel and my personal psychology and Virtue of choice. It is also the doorway to higher levels of consciousness; when we cultivate the courage to not care too much about what other people think of us and our actions. At that point, when courage infuses us and our actions, we springboard into a life that we truly love, and a life which loves us back.
8. You will neither be liked by everyone, nor be able to keep everyone happy, so manage your expectations.
No-one, and I mean no-one, has ever been liked by everyone. Whether they are Gandi, Martin Luther King, JFK, Jesus, Nelson Mandela or any other ‘great person’ you care to name. Those greats weren’t loved, or even liked a little bit, by everyone, so you will not be first. Learn to be cool with the FACT that not everyone is going to like you (who cares), and nor are you going to make everyone happy all the time. Even those people you care most about. Being ‘perfect’ is like a pink flying unicorn. It aint you and it doesn’t exist for anyone else. So let go of the unrealistic expectations and get back to aiming for being as great a human being as you are able to be. That, is doable.
9. Invest in yourself first.
If you try and take care of everyone else, before you take care of yourself, you are very likely to run out of stream. You are also – though you might not like to admit it – likely to plant the seeds of resentment if you place yourself last (or even second). When you ‘invest in yourself first’ and build up your own energy and resources, you get to help a whole lot more people. As we have all heard, many times before, put the oxygen mask on yourself FIRST, and then put it on others. In the decades of commercial flying, there is yet to be an upgrade of that basic strategy. Take great care of you, so you can take GREAT care of others (and be free of resentment – be it consciously or unconsciously).
10. One of the keys to a great relationship is in being the best human being you can be, and then choosing someone you love – just as they are.
Step 1: Build yourself into an awesome human being. Not perfect, but great. Not infallible, but doing the best you can. With the bumps and bruises to show for a life well lived; not a shiny suit of armour that is untarnished, untried and more for show than the real game of life. Be the authentic and unique version of you, to your highest potential. Step 2: Find a partner who you are in love with, for just who they are. Not who you want them to be or ‘hope’ they will become (if only you could make a few changes here and there). If you don’t love them as Version 1.0 (imperfections and all), then the relationship thing just got a little bit harder. Tony Robbins suggests that the success of a relationship depends greatly on selecting the right person in the here and now (for who they are, not who you want them to be, or ‘hope’ they become).
Note: There are other things I could add to the list, but this is more than enough to stir your mind, remove the blinkers, and create in you a force (for good) to be reckoned with.
PS: Have you read or listened to this book yet? 18 Ways We Make Life WAY Harder Than It Needs To Be
